As a woman who has had many abortions at abortion clinics, I speak from a place of experience and humility.
I grieve deeply for the January 23, 2019 NYS DECISION to allow abortions up until birth. They aren’t the first state, but it doesn’t make it easier! The seeming acceptable culture of death for the unborn is so prevalent today, that I can only imagine what it does to the Heart of God! But I remind myself Jesus died for that too, just like he carried all of my sins, on that cross before I ever committed them. He KNEW and he did it anyway. We must not forget this!
This doesn’t give us the right to not love them, while they are yet Sinning!
Romans 5:8 (NIV)
8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us
During my visits to abortion clinics; almost everytime, I exited my vehicle and began to walk towards the abortion clinic entrance, I was greeted warmly by the clinic’s security team, usually volunteers, as indicated by their badge, they wore proudly. Their main goal was to escort me into the building swiftly and safely. They were kind and protective, telling me softly as they put their arm around me, to not listen to the people who don’t understand. A few times they yelled back at the protestors in defense of me! I’ve had abortions in NYS, Maryland and Pennsylvania. It was the same everywhere.
I always heard the indiscernible chants and prayers of religious folks who stood at a distance. But I was never far enough away to not hear the one or two in the crowd who shouted at me. I heard things like
don’t kill your baby or you’ll burn in hell,
you are going to hell for what your doing, don’t do it, your baby deserves to live, God sees what your doing and you’ll burn.
There were many variations of the same message, they echoed in my mind for weeks following each abortion. I knew God had already rejected me. They just reminded me.
Once inside, I was treated as a product on an assembly line, inhuman, almost invisible but I also felt deep shame and saw disgust on the faces of the clinic workers from the receptionist to doctor. It reminded me of the Department of Public Welfare offices we went to as children with Mom. It was awful, but eventually it felt appropriate.
I believed that nothing good could come from me. I deserved the torment that came with abortion. I chose life for my first baby. She was taken away, I was accused of being unfit. I wasn’t. It didn’t matter.
The same routine every time......
Sign here, give us your payment, sign this waiver, pee in this cup, put this gown on, get on the table, put your legs up, don’t move, don’t look at the screen, you’ll feel some tugging it’s just tissue, breathe, as the tears rolled down my cheek, I complied.
I don’t remember a kind word uttered, my name ever being used after I was called back to the slaughter room, no one to hold my hand while the procedure was performed or any hint of compassion. Trust me I hoped for it but knew I didn’t deserve it.
During the recovery it was worse, much worse. I was placed in a room with a dozen or more beds and other women in various stages of post abortion procedure recovery. I never saw an empty recovery room. It was always mostly full or full. Nobody asked me or anyone else if I/she was ok. Some women were crying uncontrollably, some were staring blankly at the walls or ceiling above them, some just covered their face but any clutched their stomachs and moaned.
They gave us apple juice or ginger ale and saltine crackers, we were told to go to the bathroom and then to wait lying on the guerney for 30-45 minutes before being released to make sure we didn’t start to hemorrhage! Nobody explained the word hemorrhage. Most of the women were between 16-24, if had to guess. Most of us did not have someone with us inside the clinic. After all nothing to celebrate or talk about.
When it was time to go, I had a bulky pad in my undergarments, I was dizzy, sweating, had severe cramping and was very weak, I was NEVER escorted out of the building. The door was opened for me and I walked out. What grips my heart to this day, is I never saw or heard any of the religious people as I called them, offer a word of encouragement or support. Sometimes they would hurl insults like I hope you bleed to death, or I hope you can never get pregnant again. Looking back I wanted desperately for someone to show me kindness. It never happened.
After a couple of times I knew kindness wouldn’t come from either side. I was always in so much pain, so I just wanted to leave and forget the whole thing ever happened. A couple of times, I just got up and walked out before I was officially released. I stopped caring if I bled to death. I’d bought the lie that it wasn’t human yet!
Post abortion, the clinic never called me to see if I was ok. The few occasions I bled beyond what was normal I called them and they curtly said, it’s probably not as bad as you think but you can go to the ER if you want to. No follow up appointments, never an offer of birth control or counseling.
Between the ages of 17-30 I would have 5 surgical abortions and 3 chemical abortions, for a total of 8 precious lives ended, by my choice and their hands.
Many professing Christians would’ve and have called me evil and detestable and wished the same horrors on me that I committed against my own unborn children. Trust me they've said that and much worse. They easily would write me off as the one beyond the forgiveness of Christ.
Pro-Choicers who tout quality of life as a reasonable justification for abortion, would hear the story of my horrible and painful upbringing and would’ve said emphatically that my mother should’ve aborted me because my life was filled with abuse and poverty and all the things that can accompany it and nothing good could’ve come from such a horrible life, so let’s spare her.
The Hard Core Pro-Choicers (under any circumstances) would say it’s her right,
mind your own business.
I’ve heard it all!
I lived in brokenness all of my life until 2004. I could tell you some stories about being chained to a bed in a foster home, bathed in dirty water, physical and sexual abuse, the occult, constant bullying, poverty, addiction and mental illness that would break your heart, but none of that justifies what I did but it sure helps to explain the person who did it!
I tried it all to silence the torment and devastation of what was done to me and what I did to myself and unborn children. I tried power, position, money, witchcraft, sexual promiscuity, and the list goes on and on, but there’s only one message, one thing, one encounter, one person that changed my mind and my life. That’s the Gospel of Jesus Christ, first experienced by people who clearly demonstrated it.
1 woman Brenda, who worked as my executive assistant at the time, knew all that I was doing, drinking, sleeping around, etc and yet she loved me anyway. She didn’t exploit me or my sin. Her love covered it. Because she knew what and who Jesus died for. But let’s be clear, I surely exploited her loyalty and commitment to me at different times because, I didnt know what motivated her love and tenderness. I didn’t care. I was staunch pro-abortion and would challenge anyone who was not!
But one day on April 22, 2004, I cried out in despair to a God I wasn’t sure was real, and He answered me. My prayer was simple, God show me your real and I Matter or I’m going to commit suicide. I don’t want any butterflies or rainbows. If you show me your real and I Matter I will follow and serve you for the rest of my life unashamedley! I had no idea what unashamedly even meant....
When God revealed himself to me; Brenda was the first person I went to. I knew LIGHT and could recognize the Jesus in Her! It was her unconditional love and prayers (that I had no idea were happening), that led me to Jesus and that changed my entire life. She stood at the gates of Hell contending for my soul, and fervently prayed to the one and only God who could save me!
We have to contend for those who are decieved.
2 Timothy 2:25-26 (ESV)
25 correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 26 and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
Whats my point? Light overcomes darkness. But you must bring your light into the darkness for it to work. Posting catchy memes and being a social media recliner warrior for life has its place, but if your not also in relationships with people on the otherside of truth, you cannot overcome the darkness, hence you‘re not really in the battle. We need all hands on deck for this one! Your in the army of God. Put on your armor!
It would take me 8 years after that day in 2004 to remember all of the abortions I had. It would be 10 years before I experience healing through a post abortive healing retreat. It was a long process and continues even today. Part of my healing is to speak boldly the truth by running into the darkness. I share my story openly and publicly because I refuse to let the darkness that tries to manifest through shame, regret, fear, rejection and isolation keep me from loving those in the devils snare! I’m not ashamed of the Gospel or what it’s done in my life.
What about those who are not in agreement with us on the value of the life in the womb? Don’t be angry at them. They do not know what they do! Love them. Listen to them. Share the Truth in Love. Pray for them. Overcome Evil WITH Good. It’s irresistibl!
We know it’s God who brings repentance, you and I bring the tangible love of the Father that they can experience until they KNOW HIM.
Luke 6:27-36 (NIV)
Love for Enemies
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
You can hear a shortened version of my story on my website on the link below. Click on the January 2018 video.
If you struggle to love your enemies know that I will continually pray for you, that you will see those who do not yet know the truth the way, Jesus who died for them sees them! Renew your mind. Submit your will. God is faithful, He’ll Transform you!
For those of you who are pro-choice, please know that I am willing to engage in civil and compassionate conversation with you, if you wish! I believe in God and won’t apologize for that, but the argument for protecting the unborn is not only a religious argument, it’s a biological and societal one too! Thank you for reading this long blog post!!
For my pro-life friends on the front lines, those of you fighting the good fight of faith and contending for ALL who are vulnerable, lost and/or in the snare of the enemy, Thank You!! It was someone like you whose light pierced my darkness almost 15 years ago! Keep it up, you are making a difference. Your light will overcome the darkness!
For those of you who have had an abortion(s) and your hurting, I’d be honored to talk to you privately and share how I found healing and forgiveness. You do not have to suffer alone. I and many like me will walk with you in your healing journey.
. Feel free to email me at email@example.com