If you have visited my site more than three times, you'll see I'm not very good at writing or posting content consistently. I'm sorry. Essentially that's because I find writing more difficult than verbal communication. Currently, I have ten unfinished draft blog posts, all inspired by some trial or issue I faced then and the wisdom, comfort, provision, or revelation God gave me due to that experience. Reader, I cannot promise this won't be number 11.
Like those of us who have hundreds of Kodak pictures in a bin, not placed in a photo album or to stay current; thousands of photos sorted and organized into e-albums and then uploaded to the cloud, I'm behind the times. It's not that I don't want to share what's going on. I do. Two things stump me in trying to do so.
The first is keeping it simple. Nothing is boring, simple, or brief about my life and what I encounter weekly, monthly, or daily. What is not challenging is not adding to the chaos and crisis I face. At least not anymore. I need to think more about MICRO and less about whole life story in these blog posts! Ha-Ha!
Second, I cannot tell you the whole story (ies) because the privacy of others is involved. Even if I disagree, I will not compromise their privacy rights. I am only permitted to tell MY STORY. So when sharing how the decisions or actions of another may have a significant impact on me, I had to tread lightly. Things like is the story current or in the past, is the person dead or alive, is healing or active in trauma. Will sharing "this" harm someone who loves them? All of these factors must be weighed and considered when I speak.
So you see my dilemma? Navigating the nuances of privacy, brevity, tone, and rhythm when speaking to YOU, my reader, audience, friend, and the person I want to help is exhausting in written form. If you haven't discovered it yet, I'm a terrible writer, mostly because I have not mastered the basics of grammar, punctuation, tenses, etc. That makes the above task almost impossible for me. Verbally, it is much easier for me.
Even now, four paragraphs in, I haven't mentioned anything about what I thought I would talk about. This is not a new frustration for me. Since I became a believer and started sharing my testimonies, realizing the massive limitations on my disclosure of some matters has also been daunting. I've learned to trust God and have come to know that He conveys - when I speak - what he wants to convey to the hearer. That has to be enough. Protecting the privacy of others must be the priority. I do not want to be a stumbling block to anyone.
I probably should've mentioned sooner that I've been trying to write my book in partnership with a published writer since 2014. The skeleton narrative has been written since 2013, when in obedience to God, I wrote it over a single weekend. 11 Chapters, over 400 pages. The size alone helps you understand why it needs a professional writer and editor. I do not possess the gift of being a compelling and engaging speaker and writer. I'm one at best, and that is only because of the help of Holy Spirit. Betty and I have sat for hours, communicated through electronic means hundreds of times, hundreds of hours have been spent, and we cannot get past chapter 2. Why? Because omitting private information about others causes the story to be wrongly interpreted. We also lack some information, which in my mind, is not as essential but still something to work through. I've even entertained the idea of publishing a book under another name. I don't need recognition. I want people to have hope, want to know more about God, be set free, be healed from trauma, and ultimately, be in a relationship with the one true God. I believe when God wants it written - it will be.
A moment of reflection. Since attempting to write a book in 2013, I've learned in these last 11 years that as I grow in the Lord, heal from past traumas, remember more, and talk with others, I don't see things as I used to. My view of those who hurt me is also starkly different. My point? The book Tammi wrote in 2013 is very different from the book that would be published today. The stories would be the same, but my revelation and perception - very different. Simply put, obeying God has a way of transforming and renewing our minds. I only want to tell how being "loved" made all the difference.
Just a year or so after I was saved, I was convinced that I wanted to be the next Joyce Meyer and maybe even that God would allow me to. I had it all figured out. By the time she was ready to retire, or at least train her replacement, I'd be over 15 years as a believer, and ready to be her understudy! Today? No, Thank You!
I'm grateful that what I might consider a delay, or denial or just plain silence, is really a re-direct to a waiting room, whereby I am being prepared for the appointment that is to come. Written or verbal, God will be with me. AND YOU.
Thanks for listening, and feel free to comment or share.
With love,
Tammi
My next post will be all about the demonic in my life, prior to becoming a believer, how the Lord helped me close those doors, and how this particular type of spiritual warfare seems to be resurfacing as I work in an environment where almost all of the folks I work with are afflicted with severe mental illness. Stay tuned.