A few weeks ago, I had the honor of doing an interview taping with Micaiah Bilger, of the Pennsylvania PRO-LIFE Federation for their Lifelines radio show. Because I talk so much, we ended up doing a two part interview. Poor Micaiah, she was so gracious! The first part focused on my story and the second on my thoughts on pro-life work and approaches. Overall, I think it went well, but I wasn't the one tasked with editing for times sake.
I should preface my blog post, by saying I, in no way consider myself an expert on the topic of pro-life matters. Just the opposite, really. I have more experience with murdering my own unborn, than I do "choosing life". Sad. Heartbreaking, and any other adjective you can think of to describe 8 abortions over 15 years. The truth is, I know intimately what it was like to be abortion minded and abortion convinced, but not for the reasons you may assume. I wasn't lazy, or even knowingly selfish or even sexually wreckless and thus surprised when I got pregnant. It was worse, much worse!
For those interested here is a link to the interviews part one, where I share a tidbit of my personal story. http://paprolife.biz/lifelines-radio/post_id-5
Like I said in the interview, during my "unplanned" pregnancies, I was in every life situation one could think of. All except rape or incest pregnancies. What I mean is I was homeless, poor, a student, in a stable relationship, steady in my career, married, divorced, in an abusive relationship, in a adulteress relationship, etc. So I couldn't use the excuse, that I was broke, or forced into it by a well meaning loved one.
The reality is, after my first abortion I convinced myself that a child was better off dead before birth, than to have me as a mother. What a sad belief to possess. In some situations, looking back, I think I didn't prevent some pregnancies as a way to self-harm. Trust me, the experience of an abortion, no matter how smoothly it goes is never pleasant, anything but! For me in the deep recesses of my mind, I believed I deserved to suffer, for murdering my own. I always knew it was murder. I always knew it was wrong, but I allowed myself to superficially by the lie that the abortion providers parroted to me. It made it easier. It made it OK, even if only for that moment. What I didn't count on was the severe depression, self-destruction and self-contempt I would carry for years. Almost twenty five years of shame, pain, confusion, regret, hiding, performing and never feeling whole.
So as I listened to the interview today, just one day past my 10th anniversary as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, I couldn't help but reflect. I couldn't help ask a question of myself, one I am sure will be asked of me at some point, as I share my story with those who invite me too.
Why after 32 years of pain and trauma, 15 years of 8 abortions, 10 years plus since my last abortion, 10 years as a believer forgiven and set free from the "old man" and 5 years since I cried out to God to forgive me for killing my own children, would I want to talk about it..... over and over and over again?
After all, I've been serving in ministry for the last 6+ years and have been honored to help hundreds of women and some men, why would I look back, dredging up such painful memories and accounts of horrific acts of a broken and valueless woman? I cannot look at my actions without looking at all the things that led to them, so in essence, every time I tell my story of being a post abortive mother, I have to dredge up my entire life. Who would do that?
My only answer is that, people need to hear that God loves them, that he can pierce any darkness, no matter how deep, heal any soul, restore any mind, and give anyone a new heart, regardless of what they have done. As He HAS done with me. It has been in sharing my story that scripture comes alive in ways it couldn't otherwise. The below scripture is just one of many examples, I could give.
So, Revelation 12:11 says:
"And they overcame him ( the accuser) by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death."
This isn't only a "someday" scripture, its a now word, for all of us. It is also a promise and a command of how to overcome. For me, it's how I see God using what the enemy intended for harm, for my good and the good of others and ultimately God's Glory. What if by going back to the pain of my past, I can help save a life. A life of the unborn, or the mother who carries this child? What if I can help the pro-life worker to carry greater compassion and wisdom into their sidewalk work, help an abortion worker to walk away, or help inspire those considering donating or spending their time in this worthy work, by sharing my story, or help another post abortive woman to heal....? Isn't it worth it? You bet, every second of it!
Does it still hurt to dredge it up and talk about it? Yes, actually it does. It does from the standpoint, that it could've been prevented. It does from the place of loss and grief over what I missed with my children. It does from the reality that so many people are believing the lie, that Planned Parenthood and others like them sell to women in crisis, to pad their pockets and keep their agenda going. It does from the place that I know right now as I write this, a woman in my community is clutching her cramped and empty womb, from an abortion she had only earlier this afternoon, because she believed it was the only way out of her "predicament!" only to know in her soul, she is a murderer. Yes, all of this hurts, and it hurts deeply, but it doesn't hurt from a position of being "unforgiven", at least not anymore. It doesn't hurt as a mantle I must carry to pay back for what I did, but rather a desire and soul groaning to help others.
So will I endure the pain to help others? Emphatically, YES, until my last breath and as long as the Lord allows me too!
So Thank You for listening along, while I process and as I enter another phase of public ministry to "whosoever" the Lord puts in front of me! I pray I become worthy of the calling He has given me, through faith, study, love and obedience! Ephesians 4:1-16
My Name is Tammi Morris and I am the Mother of 11 Children!
Love,
Tammi
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