I was a born again, spirit filled believer for a little under a year when I cried out to God again in agony comparable then only to the day He saved me in April 2004. I was driving on 83 South returning from a visit to my Lebanon office ( I had 8 at the time) when unprovoked, I began to remember my abortions, some of them anyway. The grief and shame that overcame me was crushing. I felt as if the very breath, God had breathed into me less than a year earlier, was being sucked back out of me. I began to weep and I remember saying/praying alot of words, but only one sentence do I actually recall.
FATHER God after what I've done to my own children, how could you think anything good of me, let alone love me?" Just then I heard in a still small voice, "Look Up Tammi, My BELOVED!" I did and there was this exclamation cloud, that you see in this post. This and the small one below were the ONLY clouds to be seen for miles around. It was as if HE PLACED IT THERE JUST FOR ME! I heard him say, I love you, I am healing you, you will see your children in heaven someday, until then know I love you and they are happy with me!" When I think of you Tammi, I THINK WOW!"
He didn't explain what he meant by WOW, but he didn't have to, because everything He spoke before that, told me I was loved and my children were safe and happy. MY CHILDREN. I'd never called them that before. The weeping didn't stop there, but I sensed they were healing tears. I was at PEACE IN THE MIDST OF MY PAIN! It was pain for a purpose, to an end and filled with hope!
Now for those of you who don't know what I mean when I say "God Spoke", this can seem a bit weird of even hard to believe. But I tell you the truth, He spoke to me then and speaks to me now. It's not an audible voice, but one within me, that is tender and certain and powerful. It is unlike to voice of self-contempt, or self-assurance or even self absolution. It's nothing like those messages at all!
This voice and the words would'nt have come from me ever, because even though I believed He'd Saved Me, I wasn't sure He Loved Me! I knew He forgave me, but I thought it was a judicial pardon always to remain in my record. I was certain I was not eligible for expungement as far as the east is from the west as the Bible says. I was just too wicked for that kind of Mercy. Sure, people TOLD ME it was forgotten, forgiven, never to be used against me or spoken of again, Jesus paid it once for all. But I needed that in my heart, and I didn't yet have it!
This experience with MY FATHER, OUR FATHER started that process in my heart. It started the journey of healing, grieving, forgiving, and ultimately helping others stumble, limp, crawl and tremble to the cross, so they too can walk in the upright love and power, forgiveness and inheritance Our Father sent Christ to give us!
I pray you know exactly what I am talking about here. I pray you are indeed on the side of healing in your story. But if you are NOT, cry out to Him and watch him pierce your darkness with His Love!
Love No Matter What,
Tammi