One of the most painful moments during my post-abortive healing journey has been when I see a child from behind, and I cannot see their little face, sometimes I try so hard, but cannot.
This doesn't happen all the time, but when it does its excruciating. And if it did happen frequently, I'm not sure I could live this thing called life apart from the love of friends and the Spirit of the Living God. The pain is horrific at times, but I am no longer unforgiven. They don't tell you about the torment abortion brings, at Planned Parenthood or any other baby holocaust provider. They just say its a blob of tissue, a cluster of unformed cells, its a simple cleaning out of the uterus. What a lie!
I know intellectually that this ACTUAL child that is "faceless" too me is not mine, nor could it be mine, because the truth is I murdered some of my own child(ren) through an abortion procedure. The only person who can see their little faces right now, is my Heavenly Father. But it doesn't change that longing in my soul to see their little faces., or the questions that arise about "THE WHAT IF'S". Its the longing to see them that sometimes rises up when I cant see a child's face.
This is what I was reminded of when I took this picture of my grand-daughter during Thanksgiving this year. The balm for my soul is that I can see her face and enjoy being her Grammy, watching her grow and being a part of it. I can never have this with my children in heaven, and the ache is less frequent as the healing continues, but it will never change all the things I never got to experience and the life they never lived.
It took me many years, to even remember the exact number of abortions I had. I know it sounds awful, but I blocked them out of my mind, and its' taken a lot of prayer and being willing to face this horrible truth about my choices that has brought these memories back. To be honest, I do not know that I've remembered them all. But I do know this, that the Blood of The Lamb, shed for me has covered my sin and set me free. Sometimes the pain associated with our choices doesn't go away, but the outcome of the story does change.
Thank God it does. This website and blog is dedicated to my children in heaven. I pray that through my sharing, you too will find hope and salve for your soul.
Love,
Tammi